Can we forgive Crimo?

If it pains you to read those words, you may want to read this.

Those words pain me too. I don’t believe I have fully forgiven people in my life that have caused nothing close to what the Highland Park 4th of July parade shooter did.

I haven’t even forgiven myself for moving my family just 35 miles.

I’m not the one setting an example here. I’m just asking the question and attempting to answer it.

In the days following the shooting I listened to grieving mothers and traumatized women. They shed tears, took themselves and their children to see experts for help, and voiced their anger.

I noticed that some of them used “us” and “they” when they spoke about the horrific events. I was right there with them. In my shock and anger and fear I certainly didn’t feel differently. “How could this happen to us?” “How dare they?” “They messed with the wrong town.”

These are all normal reactions to having to pick up your 40+ pound children and run for your lives as bullets spray down on you.

But I don’t live in Highland Park. And I can live in the comfort of not having been there that morning. And not having witnessed it and not having my children’s innocence and bliss been taken away in one fell swoop.

From where I can sit, I can also see it differently.

My husband said not long after the shooting, “We need to nip these shooters in the bud. Get them before they can do so much carnage.”

That’s certainly an option.

But what if this shooter is just a tumor that grew out of control? One that in an instant went from a large tumor to being metastasized?

Why don’t we ask ourselves: What is the sickness that causes this cancer? What is unwell in our society that allows the tumors to grow?

Crimo is not a “they”. He is “us”. He’s from Highland Park. His family is from Highland Park. He is made up of the same stuff I am made of. If I had been born into his life and walked in his shoes, wouldn’t I have done the same thing?

I am not making excuses for him or condoning his actions. But when I ask myself this question it helps me realize that we are all held together in this experience of being human.

But I digress. This post is about forgiveness.

The Baghvad Gita, a Hindu scripture, describes three levels or modes of forgiveness. The first is of ignorance where we seek revenge and we don’t want to forgive. The second is that of passion where we want something in return for forgiving. And then there is the highest mode called Sattva where we forgive in order to be free of pain and trauma.

We forgive to set ourselves free.

But we can’t do this too quickly. If we do, we might be pushing away our hurt and our pain. The prerequisite for forgiveness is going through the full experience of grief.

And maybe we can get to forgiveness on the other side.

I am not there yet. But I wonder if one day I will be.