Our roles are not our purpose

Photo by Philippe Murray-Pietsch on Unsplash

When I first read in Ekhart Tolle’s The Good Earth that parenthood is a role people often over-identify with, I was offended. He claimed that the role of parent is not who we really are. Wait, what? My being a mother isn’t part of my purpose in life?? I was not buying it.

But as I sat with it I realized he could be right. Being a parent is indeed temporary and when the role changes, our sense of purpose shouldn’t diminish. We are still able to have a reason to exist. Right?

Ekhart writes that we have to do jobs in certain functions be it mother, father, CEO, waiter, or Ferrari-owner. As a mother I did have to keep my children safe, feed them, and guide them into adulthood. But, he writes, that over-identifying with a role is confusing who we are with the behavior that we do. He also writes that this over-identification is unconscious. In other words, it’s what we do when we haven’t yet realized a deeper truth.

Why should we care about over-identifying in our roles?

We shouldn’t, necessarily.

There is nothing wrong with being unaware of an over-identification. Or being aware and consciously choosing out of awareness to stay identified with a role.

But in my life, when I am completely merged with my role, I feel horrible. I have noticed that in these situations I suffer from imposter syndrome, I try to control others, and I miss out on deeper connections with the people around me.

What are some telltale signs that we are over-identifying in our role?

Per Ekhart,

1. We do more than the function deems necessary. For example the function of keeping children out of danger turns into heavy-handed career advice even after they grow into adults. We believe they should heed our advice on where to live, what job to take, who to marry. We go beyond the need of the role in providing safety and find ways to do it even when the need has ended.
2. Confuse what we do with who we are. For example when we consider making a choice for our own self-care sometimes we feel guilt. Our ego and identity are merged with what we do as a parent. Our sense of value and self-worth is lost when we do something other than the role of a parent. If who we are is a parent, then we are no one if we choose something outside of that function.
3. Automatically assign roles to others and lose authentic interaction. For example if we are a mother, then we are wiser than the child. The child is inferior. We know better than they do. This identification puts a distance between us and our children and can leave them feeling unrecognized, unseen, or emotionally disconnected from us.
4. We may manipulate others. For example, we push our kids to practice more, do more, and try harder. We think that is being a good parent. But it’s really our ego leading here. Our ego wants our children to achieve what we never did in order to fill a void it feels.

Ok so if we are not our roles then who are we?

Last summer, there was a moment when I became aware of my answer to this question.

My daughters had just returned from sleep away camp. I was looking forward to having them home and having them swim in the pool, ride bikes, and squeal as they played in the backyard.

But they did nothing but lay horizontal on a couch reading books for five beautiful, gorgeous, sunny days in the Chicago summer!

By this fifth day of them lazing around, my frustration and impatience had reached a limit. I started to hound them to go outside.

“Kids belong outside!” I’d say “ You are wasting this wonderful day indoors!”

“YOU NEED TO GO OUTSIDE!” I barked at them.

Whoa, what was going on with me?

I paused and I got curious.

What I was able to see with my curiosity was my ego. It was my over-identification. I was taking my role as mother way too seriously.

I was also able to see two exhausted children that hadn’t had much down time in almost a month. I saw two girls that believed every day was a gorgeous day outside so why rush out to it right now? I saw two little minds that were totally captivated by the books they were reading.

I got curious about why I was hounding them. I clearly had some obsession with the outdoors.

So for me, who am I when I don’t over-identify in my role?

I am aware.

I am aware of the real me in the moment.

I am aware that the real me is someone who simply needs to go outside. Because I needed to enjoy the beautiful, gorgeous, sunny day in the Chicago summer.

So I did.

Hello, I’m Serena. I am a life coach. I help highly successful people live their life purpose without giving anything up. If you would like to receive thought-provoking content, join my email list. If you are interested in 1:1 coaching, get in touch with me here.