Why DEI efforts fail

I am no expert. But this is my lived experience.

I am not an expert in Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI). This is the story of what it’s like to be me, a cis-gendered 40-something year old woman in an American suburb.

One day a couple of months ago my husband and I decided to visit a store near our town. We were shopping for items for our home.

When we arrived, the store manager saw us walk in. He approached us.

He extended his hand to my husband, shook it, and introduced himself.

I started to pull my hand out of my pocket to shake his hand next.

But he didn’t extend his. He didn’t introduce himself to me. He turned and led us to the middle of the store where the merchandise we asked about was stocked.

He then, very professionally and expertly, spent the next 30 minutes helping us understand what he sold and our options.

He was very kind.

He was a good listener.

He was good at his job.

He wished us well.

And then we left.

Now that was not the DEI experience. The DEI experience is what happened next…

I told a male friend who lives in my town and is familiar with DEI (we can call him Alan) how I felt slighted and confused when the store manager didn’t shake my hand or introduce himself to me. I told Alan how this is similar to other experiences I have had since we moved to this suburban area.

Alan got tense. I could feel it as I sat next to him. The air around us became a little icy.

Then he launched into a careful but undeniable defense: “Well what did you expect in this part of the world?” “Why are you so offended by it?” “Also, you said your husband called ahead so that’s probably why he introduced himself to him.”

I took a deep breath. The conversation was pretty much over.

This is the challenge that DEI efforts are up against.

DEI efforts are championed and sponsored by well-intentioned people. (I’m referring to the ordinary folks in organizations, not the DEI consultants and experts of the world.) And sometimes these well-intentioned people don’t realize that the road to a diverse, equitable, and inclusive workforce is an inside job. And I mean, inside of us individually.

Did Alan notice his body getting tense? Did he have the awareness and curiosity to understand what was going on within him? What was triggering about my story? Does it matter who is “right” or “wrong”? If it does, why?

DEI is not an effort that exists “out there”.

It is built on the uncomfortable job of investigating our own beliefs and emotions.

And when we show that scared or angry part of us compassion and love, only then can we offer it genuinely to another.

The next morning I sat on the sidelines of my daughter’s soccer game next to a father I know well. I’ll call him Todd.

I told him the same story.

Todd let out a long exhale when I was done.

“Wow, Serena, I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

“Thanks,” I told him.

“I feel bad. I don’t know what to do. What can I do?”

“Todd, you just did it. You listened. You believed me. That’s all you needed to do on this Saturday morning.”

And maybe that’s all any of us have to do.

Because my hunch is when we don’t, the goals of DEI don’t even have a chance.

Hello, I’m Serena. I am a life coach. I help high-achievers find the work they were always meant to do. If you would like to receive my content, join my email list. If you are interested in 1:1 coaching, get in touch with me here.